How to conduct an interview with pure professionalism

The interview begins. (Photo credit: amtec.us.com)

There are whole libraries of books out there that will tell you how to behave when you’re being interviewed and, by now, all but the most dunderheaded individuals know what to do: maintain unblinking eye contact up to the point of ocular dryness; grip and shake hands firmly, lustily; answer questions clearly but in an aurally appealing way, by varying the tone, duration, and dynamics of your pronunciation. These are truths that are old hat for everyone--even the babies who are tumbling out of wombs with B.B.As from the University of Phoenix (Intrauterine Campus) in their tiny hands. 

But what if you’re on the other side of the table? What if you’re the one who’s asking the questions? This isn’t the Twilight Zone; this is simply the new economy. And in this economy, you have to have the interrogative abilities of a Chief Inquisitor ca. 1530, or you will be bewitched by the wiles and charms of today’s youth into hiring someone whose appearance suggests hard work and determination but who is most certainly an illiterate sloth in formal clothing. 

Know what you want to ask: Nothing leaves you more open to attack than being unprepared, and, when conducting an interview, you could not be more vulnerable. One-on-one in a small room with a stranger. Sounds like the premise for a medical examination or a porn, but don’t get aroused just yet. Asking questions—and keeping the candidate off-guard—is your only hope of survival. These kids, fresh off the umbilical feed of entitlement and whipped-cream vodka they received in college, will stop at nothing to get the job you’re offering. In their toolkit: naked fucking yearning. In your toolkit: patience, Cross pens, wisdom, and superior body mass. Use what you have. Go off script. Most young people today are barely able to talk without resorting to abbreviations, and the first time a candidate accidentally punctuates his or her answer with a quick “DTF?,” you can effectively eliminate them from consideration. 

Choose the right venue: this might not be up to you, but familiarize yourself with whatever garret might be the chosen location. Make sure the candidates at least have water, but not too much. Give them an aqueous plant like watercress that they can chew for moisture. A closet might not be right, but neither is the parking lot. Why not try the cafeteria? Open space, food smells, loud ambient noises. If your candidate is easily distracted, this will be immediately apparent when they run off to chase down a quesadilla or start flirting with passersby. During the interview it is your job to put the person at ease. Establish what language will be used in the interview at the start. It’s okay to greet the person in Esperanto, but then you should probably switch to English. Welcoming hugs are fine, though make sure you indicate to the candidate what your policy is on inter-pocket hand placement. Use the person’s name as often as possible at the beginning of the interview. People like to hear their own first names--that is a brute fact--so use the candidate’s first name as a noun, verb, and article (“Pleased to catherine you, Catherine. Have catherine seat.”), within the first ten minutes of the conversation.

Use suggestive body language that relaxes the candidate. Lean forward at a 50 degree angle to your own lap. This shows interest. The further you lean forward, the more interest you’re showing. Massage female candidates’ feet and calves. Stroke the jawlines of male candidates with a single peacock feather. Nod or bang your head against the table to encourage the candidate to continue speaking, or reach over and work their lips with your fingers while saying, “More of this, please.” While they talk, you can use hortatory phrases to keep them talking, like, “Mmmmmm hmmm,” “Uh huh,” or “How majestic,” or “Splendid, my dear, splendid!” or “Thoroughly arousing.” Use the right types of questions. Never start a question with the phrase, “Can you fucking tell me...” because that’s a closed question. Use “Why,” “When,” “How,” “Where,” and “Whence,” as these interrogatives will extract the information you need, e.g. “Whence come you to this point in your career without having gained the ability to manipulate and command the data mistress that is Microsoft Access?” etc. 

Following these simple guidelines will yield for your company the employee you deserve. Screen out the undesirables--the truculent slouchers, the raging martinets, and the indelibly creepy, and instead find and reward those individuals who do whatever it is you do, but who do it harder, more ruthlessly, with determination, and more attractively, and with higher efficiency, and with disruption in their hearts.