Honorary Wigmen: Ulysses T. Pegasus Sr.
Honorary Wigmen: Ulysses T. Pegasus Sr.
Honorary Wigmen is a satirical column regarding fictional figures throughout history.
We here at Wigmen are students of history. Not that we have studied history diligently or even competently, but when a piece of history strikes our fancy, we take note. In particular, we appreciate the many wigs worn by the many figures in history. Today, we honor one of our most esteemed Honorary Wigmen: Ulysses T. Pegasus Sr.
Ulysses T. Pegasus Sr. was the only man in his family with this name. The confusion over his suffix comes from his insistence on labeling himself as a future family man; a part of his life that would never come. Ulysses wanted a family, more than anything else, but his life was cut short in his prime. Cut short by his one true passion: Boxing.
Ulysses T. Pegasus Sr. (1912-1939) was a titan of his sport. History books speak of his strength and power, with his punches being heard from at least a town away. In the ring, Ulysses had no rival, except for every opponent he faced, which he would call his rival before the match. Ulysses’ secret? A powdered wig. Ulysses would don a wig before each match, dusted with wood shavings from the night before. The only problem with these wigs was the lack of grip, causing them to fall off in the middle of the match. Ulysses' other secret? Peanut butter. Smoothed upon his head before the match, the wig would snugly fit, never moving an inch between rounds. Ulysses’ coach would frequently ask him, “Why peanut butter?” Ulysses would claim that even though the nutritious food would give him the “Sticky Shits”, it was ideal for his wig.
Match after match, Ulysses would dodge punches with his wig following behind. A wonder to behold, only a few were able to witness. Pegasus was quickly a fan favorite, his lower class Irish upbringing being an inspiration to many in the stands. Before each match, Ulysses would ask for a moment of silence from the arena, then raise his arms above his head, asking the crowd to cheer as loud as they could. This ritual was in honor of Ulysses’ late sister, who died before he rose to fame. Pegasus claimed this was his way of showing his sister, what he had achieved, saying, “If there is one fact I know in this life, Claire is up there, looking down on me. And if she was not granted her sight back, I want her to know what she meant to me. The crowd is my amplifier. I hope she can hear me up there.”
And like all titans, Ulysses eventually fell. The boxer became prolific in sponsorship, his own branded peanut butter, “Ulysses T. Pegasus Sr.’s Smooth Nut Elixir”, was wildly popular with his fanbase. The peanut butter, however, was not up to code. Before Ulysses’ last match, he claimed the peanut butter was burning the top of his head. Halfway through the fifth round, Ulysses stumbled back to his corner, his legs wobbling. The crowd grew silent, fearing the worst for their champion. Pegasus was not finished, though, standing up one more time. As Ulysses raised his fists to continue, he uttered his final words, “If I should die, then I’ll die doing the one thing I know. Death will only catch me after I break his damn jaw, the boney fuck.” Ulysses T. Pegasus Sr. died seconds after these words, his fist still outstretched for a punch.
Ulysses T. Pegasus was buried with his trusty wig, donned once again with a layer of peanut butter, but from a more trusted source, “Emmet Goofling’s Peanut Extract.” Pegasus never fathered any children, but his legacy lives on. In keeping with his will, Pegasus’ training gym was renamed in his honor as “Ulysses T. Pegasus Sr.’s Stationary Fighting Colosseum.” In the years since, boxers have continued the peanut butter legacy of Pegasus. These boxers keep to the ritual of Ulysses, honoring the fans before every match with a moment of silence and then a roaring applause. But now, the applause is not only for Claire, but Ulysses as well.
Ulysses' final act was establishing an orphanage, aimed to help those underprivileged. These children are given an education, food, shelter, and even optional boxing training. Ulysses’ orphanage currently houses 500 foster children. In recent years, alumni from the school have gotten a nickname, simply “Ulysses’ Kids.”
We salute you, Ulysses T. Pegasus Sr.